How Do You Listen? Part 1
by Sharon Eakes
"I know that you believe you understand what you think I said."
--Robert McCloskey
Are you a good listener? To listen well is to still our mind, loosen our perspective, and open our heart. 
When we listen and do something else at the same time, the speaker often feels slighted. When my daughter Lisa was young, she would go to the Sunday movie and come home excited to tell me about it. I'd listen as I cooked or did some other thing, trying to stay interested by asking a question or injecting a comment. She'd say, "I think you're not listening. Maybe stop what you're doing so you can hear better." What I missed was that she was giving me herself--her feelings, her response to things, her view of the world.
Over time, I practiced listening more carefully, being really present. I could remember names and details of people's stories, but I got a great listening lesson in a coaching session with Thomas Leonard. "You're listening too hard. Can you listen more softly?" he asked. I was paying so much attention to the details that I could miss the big picture or the person.
Many years ago, I was about to go on a trip to Israel. My friend Sandra said, "When you get back, come and really tell me about it . . . every little detail. I will listen happily for hours." What an invitation! And I did. I told story after story while she listened. Her listening was an enormous gift to me. She smiled as I left, thanking me genuinely for "a visit to Israel."
Brenda Ueland says, "When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand. And if you are a listener, it is the secret of having a good time in society, of comforting people, of doing them good." Deep listening is a win-win for both speaker and listener.
Sharon Eakes is a personal and executive coach and chair of the Pegasus Communications board of directors. You can subscribe to her free monthly "mini e-zine," Fresh Views.
landscape photo: Nancy Daugherty